Four Kisses You, yes YOU! must Master, or else he'll leave you.

So for a while now I’ve been signed up to the Cosmopolitan.com ‘Sex and Relationships’ feed, and for the most part it’s been complete drivel. What His Cuddling Body Language Reveals, 10 Things Men Don’t Want to Hear in Bed, The Body Language of Liars etc. But this morning an article entitled ‘Four Kisses You Must Master’ landed into my inbox and caught my attention. “Four kisses I must master? But I don’t know any!? There are four different types!? Since when!? Is this why I don’t have a boyfriend???”

So I eagerly clicked the link, desperate to learn these four different types of kisses which will mean that I will never again be left wondering what I was doing wrong, and will be able to keep the attention of men for longer than 30 seconds.

But thankfully as I was reading the rational part of my brain which had been absent for the previous 30 second made a welcome return and I realised, this is bullshit. Complete and utter bullshit.

“Expert” Shelley Hess tells us that kissing is crucial, and in her book, Pucker Power: Great Kissers Make Great Lovers, you’ll find out the best secrets to make any man powerless to resist you once you’ve planted one on his lips. What??

And here I was thinking a kiss was a kiss, fairly straight forward, no complicated tongue, lip, or mouth maneuvering, just simple kissing. Apparently not.

And it doesn’t stop there, oh no, then there’s the handy link directing me to “30 New Blow-His Mind Sex Moves” (oh Lord) where I’m expected to eat peanut butter off his chest to keep him coming back for more. Or fiddle with his back door to “double his pleasure.” Really??

It seems like an unfair amount of pressure to be putting on Cosmo readers. To think that you have to do all these weird and wonderful things to keep a man from cheating seems ridiculous. And if you’re not willing to do them, another woman who is willing is just waiting to pounce on your man and whisk him off into the sunset, where he can enjoy as much teasing, blindfolding, spanking or light bondage as he wishes.

And the wording, “Four kisses you must master.” It just seems a bit exploitative of the impressionable girls and women who might be reading.

To quote the words of the wonderful John Devore over at The Frisky,

“And here I was, thinking there was only one, 100% guaranteed way to drive me wild, and that was to touch my penis.”

Photocredit: Pedrosimoes7